The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
look no pants
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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