I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
