Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
