I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
