Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
