He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
