i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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