You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
