I wish I could teleport
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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