What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
