The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
