I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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