i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
