i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
