I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
