I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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