Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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