I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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