I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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