dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
