He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
