Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i think i just lost a toe
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
