Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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