awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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