Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
