Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?