you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
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I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
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at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode