Even water is tasting like jack daniels
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"