I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.