Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize