She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
