when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
