never play flip cup with pint glasses
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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