Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
