So drunk its hurt
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
