Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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