Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
