this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
