It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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