Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
