Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
