It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
