i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Randomize
