every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
