dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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