one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
