The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
His nipple licking is glorious
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