I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
