he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
