The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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