why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
