On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
