Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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