First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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