why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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