I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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