I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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