I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
