Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
