Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
