my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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