There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
