so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
