i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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