i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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